Let The Wedding Festivities Begin

Today the wedding festivities kick off. I don’t quite know how to reconcile my feelings of grief and happiness. I know that if my brother were still here he’d be a calming presence in the weeks leading up to today. Then he would show up at my bridal shower very nonchalantly, hit on my single gf’s, and it would be hilariously embarrassing!

It seems like just yesterday it was Christmas and Cirilo and I asked Johnathan to marry us – we knew it would give him something to focus on, something to look forward to, but most importantly, we asked him because he knew us so well. He was supposed to marry us! Geez, how did everything turn out this way! I’m so sad but now the anger is finally starting to come in waves and we’re doing the best we can but I hate it nonetheless. Life isn’t normal. We’re constantly referring to our “new normal”. Ugh, it just doesn’t feel right. Even when he had his worst chemo day we never imagined we would be where we are now. I miss him more than I could ever put into words. Our lives have been shifted off its axis and we’re trying to find balance.

Last night Timmy (Tim Lincecum) from the San Francisco Giants threw a NO HITTER!! I felt like my big brother was just like that movie – an angel in the outfield. I was wrapping up yard work when I received the ESPN notification that he was closer so I had to turn it on and witness this rare event. It was a beautiful moment in Giants history – one that John would’ve been taking about for weeks!

Today I will do my best to get through the day without crying. Who am I kidding? If I cry, the let them be tears of joy. For I am so grateful for all of the amazing people in my life. As difficult as things may be, I am still blessed because I am surrounded by LOVE!

If nothing saves us from death, may love at least save us from life. – Pablo Neruda

What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding season?

“Yes, um, the answer would be, um, wedding season?” (Jeremy-Wedding Crashers)

I love weddings!  The energy is contagious,  everyone’s laughing, sharing stories, drinking, and DANCING!  How could you not like weddings?

After years of bar tending my way through college, I have been to more weddings than John Beckwith and Jeremy Grey.  Even though I didn’t intimately know the bride and groom , I couldn’t help but be excited for them.  How many times can you say you witnessed a defining moment in someone’s life?  A moment they will never forget … unless they’ve had one too many.

This past weekend I was honored to be in attendance to Mr. and Mrs. Hermison’s wedding.  Held at the beautiful Vino Con Brio in Lodi, CA, love was definitely in the air.  The romantic in me was loving it!  And the bride, GORGEOUS as ever;  confident that she had made the best decision of her life.

Surprisingly, not once did I hear the all too familiar, “When are you getting married?” that I have become all too accustomed hearing.  I’m 26, been with my BF for a LONGGGGGGGG time, we bought a house together, and recently got the most adorable puppy.  But at the same time, I’m not ready. We’re not ready.

I don’t feel the need to conform to societal pressures.  It is a personal decision.  I choose not to be married.  I have witnessed marriages fall apart; my life has been shattered repeatedly as the result of one.  I couldn’t bear to cause such pain and chaos upon another.  When I am ready, if and when he’s ready, we will.  Until that day comes, you shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.