One Month …

by Stephanie Kelly

It’s been one month since my brother passed away.  There are moments, daily, where the impact of his death hits me and the wounds open right up and feel as raw as the day we lost him.  There are images and sounds that are permanently etched in my memory.

Our birthday’s were this week.  For John’s birthday my family had a BBQ at the house and invited a few of his closest friends to join us; we laughed, cried, told stories, and I held a Cisco WebEx meeting with family and friends in Texas, Michigan, and Colorado.  He would’ve loved it!!!  

My birthday was on Monday which coincided with my first day back at work. It was pretty heartbreaking to be there.  I kept peeking over at his desk as if I might catch of glimpse of him there.  Conversations continued to flood my thoughts and I would become transported back to his hospital room where we would discuss what’s been happening in the office, who’s taking ownership of his projects, and how much he couldn’t wait to get back … I never thought he wouldn’t be back … Nobody did.

After making it through the work day, I was exhausted and found myself not wanting to do anything to celebrate, but of course my family would have nothing of it and were determined to make it special.  As difficult as the day was, I couldn’t help but feel blessed by all of the love that surrounds me.

Tomorrow Cirilo, Mom, Bear, the pups, and I are driving down to Pismo Beach to check out wedding sites.  All these milestones are bittersweet because I never imagined my future without you by our side.

I miss you brother bear.