Let The Wedding Festivities Begin

Today the wedding festivities kick off. I don’t quite know how to reconcile my feelings of grief and happiness. I know that if my brother were still here he’d be a calming presence in the weeks leading up to today. Then he would show up at my bridal shower very nonchalantly, hit on my single gf’s, and it would be hilariously embarrassing!

It seems like just yesterday it was Christmas and Cirilo and I asked Johnathan to marry us – we knew it would give him something to focus on, something to look forward to, but most importantly, we asked him because he knew us so well. He was supposed to marry us! Geez, how did everything turn out this way! I’m so sad but now the anger is finally starting to come in waves and we’re doing the best we can but I hate it nonetheless. Life isn’t normal. We’re constantly referring to our “new normal”. Ugh, it just doesn’t feel right. Even when he had his worst chemo day we never imagined we would be where we are now. I miss him more than I could ever put into words. Our lives have been shifted off its axis and we’re trying to find balance.

Last night Timmy (Tim Lincecum) from the San Francisco Giants threw a NO HITTER!! I felt like my big brother was just like that movie – an angel in the outfield. I was wrapping up yard work when I received the ESPN notification that he was closer so I had to turn it on and witness this rare event. It was a beautiful moment in Giants history – one that John would’ve been taking about for weeks!

Today I will do my best to get through the day without crying. Who am I kidding? If I cry, the let them be tears of joy. For I am so grateful for all of the amazing people in my life. As difficult as things may be, I am still blessed because I am surrounded by LOVE!

If nothing saves us from death, may love at least save us from life. – Pablo Neruda

Mother’s Day

Two days ago it was Mother’s Day. My sister and I sent our mom to Ohio a couple weeks ago so she could take a break from the pain and lean on her older sister, as we once did with John. Initially, it was too difficult on her. If we’re honest, the feeling was mutual. When you lose someone close to you, someone that is integral to your daily existence, you feel this overwhelming sense of sadness when they are no longer there to share your latest EVERYTHING. Bear and I tried our damnedest to put on a front of happiness and hope. Do we believe things will get better? Absolutely. But we’re not there yet. So in the interim, we pretend for the sake of our beloved mom.

In a few hours my brother will have passed away three months ago. Three months!! I feel no less shocked, no less depressed, no less overwhelmed, no less heartbroken in the realization that he’s with us no more. I miss him more each day than I did before.

Pain

I often wonder, when will this overwhelming pain go away?

One Month …

It’s been one month since my brother passed away.  There are moments, daily, where the impact of his death hits me and the wounds open right up and feel as raw as the day we lost him.  There are images and sounds that are permanently etched in my memory.

Our birthday’s were this week.  For John’s birthday my family had a BBQ at the house and invited a few of his closest friends to join us; we laughed, cried, told stories, and I held a Cisco WebEx meeting with family and friends in Texas, Michigan, and Colorado.  He would’ve loved it!!!  

My birthday was on Monday which coincided with my first day back at work. It was pretty heartbreaking to be there.  I kept peeking over at his desk as if I might catch of glimpse of him there.  Conversations continued to flood my thoughts and I would become transported back to his hospital room where we would discuss what’s been happening in the office, who’s taking ownership of his projects, and how much he couldn’t wait to get back … I never thought he wouldn’t be back … Nobody did.

After making it through the work day, I was exhausted and found myself not wanting to do anything to celebrate, but of course my family would have nothing of it and were determined to make it special.  As difficult as the day was, I couldn’t help but feel blessed by all of the love that surrounds me.

Tomorrow Cirilo, Mom, Bear, the pups, and I are driving down to Pismo Beach to check out wedding sites.  All these milestones are bittersweet because I never imagined my future without you by our side.

I miss you brother bear.

Not-So-Happy Valentine’s Day

It’s 11:37 PM on Valentine’s Day 2013.  I sit at the the side of my brother’s death bed, listening to Ray Lamontagne’s Pandora station while my mother speaks over the music, reading today’s daily passage from Jesus Calling – her and my brother have been taking turns doing so for the past three months since a friend had so kindly given it to my brother for inspiration to fight Cancer.  

I don’t know what to think about all of this.  Only three weeks prior were the doctors and nurses  confident my brother could become cancer-free.  Now here we are.  

Family and friends have flown in from all over the world to be here for my brother’s final days.  I am overwhelmed by the anticipation that the end is near.  The world will not end, time will continue to pass but our lives will never be the same.

I love you Johnathan.  You’re my trusted confidante, protector, best friend, and most importantly, my big brother.

Haunted

I am afraid to fall asleep at night.  For one day I might wake up to news that my brother is no longer here with us.

Road Trip to Michigan – Day 2

Yesterday was day two of our road trip to Michigan. Over the last two days we’ve seen every landscape and change in weather imaginable. It was my first time seeing the salt lakes of Utah, mountain ranges of Wyoming, and the green flat pastures of Nebraska. We started the morning in the rain. As we headed up the mountains, the rain became snow flurries. Eventually the sun broke through when we were in the valley, highlighting the snow-capped mountains. It was beautiful. A reminder that we are so fortunate to live in this country.

There’s No Place Like Home

They say “home is where the heart is” but what if you don’t know where that is? Then my friends, you end up searching until you end up in a small little town called Nottawa, in the glove-shaped state of Michigan. At least that’s what happens when you’re my father, Stanley (or Junior as he’s known in those parts). You end up back where your story began.

Will you find the happiness you’ve been so desperately seeking? Will coming “home” help you find your heart? I hope so. As much as I selfishly want my dad to stay, I know this is what he needs.

So here we are – Stanley, my sister Sarah, and me – heading East on 80 in his silver Prius. It’s day one on the road. The sun is trying to break through but the clouds continue to roll through; perfectly matching the melancholy mood. Growing up my family ALWAYS went on road trips. Oftentimes, to visit the very same place we’re headed – the lake house.

It’s the house my dad grew up in. It’s the house my grandfather built. It’s the house we visited as kids during the holidays. At one point, in what seems like a another lifetime, it was the place WE called home.

Restless

He talks in his sleep as I lie near. Counting sheep without success. Unable to focus. A continuous reel of images a blur. I pick up on his rhythm. He breathes in. Pause. He breathes out. Unbeknownst to me, I fall in synch.

Much about nothing … 3:40 am.

The Official Frisky Girl Code Of Conduct | The Frisky

Love the Frisky.  I came across this list of Girl Code which fits my babes and I to a T 🙂

The Official Frisky Girl Code Of Conduct | The Frisky.

• If your dress is hanging open in the back, I’ll let you know and zip it up for you.
• If your butt is hanging out of your dress while you’re bent over, dancing or otherwise engaged, I’ll kindly inform you.
• If you’re in the next dressing room over and need an honest opinion on something you’re trying on, I’ll offer it.
• If I come across a woman crying in a public restroom, I will offer her a tissue.
• I will always share my tampons.
• I will babysit for free so my mommy friends can get their drink on.
• I will stick up for girls who are not around to defend themselves. And stick up for girls who are around to defend themselves but won’t do it for themselves.
• I will discreetly let you know if your mascara or lipstick is smudged, or if you have egregious “panda bear” dark eye circles thanks to some misplaced eye shadow.
• I will listen to my friend cry and comfort her, even if she’s just crying because she’s really drunk.
• I will listen to my female friends complain about their guy problems, even if I think he sucks and she should have kicked him to the curb ages ago.
• I will volunteer to take my friend home if she’s not feeling well.
• I will apologize immediately for small transgresses, such as stepping on another woman’s foot with my heel, or accidentally spilling something on her.
• I will give up my seat to a pregnant woman or a woman with small kids on public transportation.
• I will help women with strollers up and down the stairs.
• I will always let another woman know there’s no toilet paper in a toilet stall, or alternately, pass her toilet paper if she needs some.
• I will never sleep with another woman’s man.
• I will not engage in body-snarking another woman, either behind her back or to her face.
• I will always offer up my single man friends to my single ladies. Just because I don’t want them doesn’t mean one of my girlfriends won’t!

This one’s for you ladies!!